It's the most wonderful time of the year

Merry Christmas y'all!

Christmas is my second favourite festival of all (after Chinese New Year. Of course). It's just that, the concept of family members coming together to spend quality time, while celebrating the act of giving and spreading love really appeals to me.  Or maybe, it's simply the festive colours, the big fat bows and the Christmas carols that got me excited about Christmas. All and all, I love everything about Christmas.

When I was a kid, I used to fantasise about spending white Christmas at the other side of the world where there's snow. It's something I couldn't fathom as a young child who'd never left Malaysia before. So, informed by the stories narrated in all the Christmas movies I used to watch, I had come to see Christmas as whimsical and magical. That being said, I have never believed in Santa but I enjoy the idea of having someone who would fulfil your wishes, while all he ever asked for is for you to be good and happy.

But the thing about spending Christmas in Australia is that, it's summer in December. Then, nothing is opened for business on Christmas day so I often spend the day staying at home to be merry and wise. heh. As a result of that, spending Christmas in Melbourne has come to mean appreciating the quiet, peaceful time for me to reflect and listen to what my heart has to say.

It's a time when I get to tune out the noise in my head and banish the negativity. It's a time when I am overwhelmed with gratitude, for all the love and gifts I'm blessed with. It's a time when I can feel the warmth and joy emanated from within my heart. It's a time to remind myself to let go of all the regrets and disappointments that had happened in the past. And it's a time to clear out the useless garbage and make room for the good things yet to come next year. It's a time to rejoice in the giving and receiving spirit.

Most importantly, Christmas is a time to practice loving and be loved. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

"Becoming Me"

What else do I do to find inspiration for my life in hopes to find me again?

Instinctually, I turn to other everyday ordinary people just like myself. So I started reading, from memoirs to short stories and articles (I am more drawn to non-fiction). I've started volunteering my time to engage in activities where I get to meet a lot of new people from diverse cultural and ethnic backgrounds. And once awhile, I will stumble upon beautifully made videos on youtube that feature real people like you and me.

I came across the following video embedded in a post written by Richard Branson, which touched me deeply.



What I have come to realise is that, everyone has a story to tell. Every has a voice. Everyone has a role to play. Everyone has their own life to live in this world. And in every story, we can find something that we could identify with, which reminds us that we are not all that different after all. Might it be the excitement of receiving your first job offer, the anxiety of the "wait" before the hiring manager respond to you or the glee of knowing in your heart, you've found your dream job… these are the experiences most people would have gone through in life. We know exactly how it feels to be rejected and we know how it feels when we become good at what we do. That's what our humanity is about.

Just like the people in the video, I too once cried in the bathroom at work. I also once thought to myself, I wanted some deep meaning in what I do. I also once looked at my manager at my workplace and knew for sure that I didn't want to be where I was and I didn't want to be the person whom the nature of the work would turn me into.

The great big lesson that I find truly important is that, everyone has their own losses and triumphs. Everyone has their moments of success and failure. So, I keep telling myself that, when I have come to a crossroad in life, there's no right turn or wrong turn, but as long as I am making decisions based on integrity, honesty and truth, I have no fear.

Me being me, I will keep seeking, keep learning and I will never give up until I find that pot of gold I'm looking for.

The Bell Curve

I completed a cognitive testing as part of the recruitment process for a graduate program offered  by EnergyAustralia. As indicated by the test, this is where I sit on the bell curve, in terms of my critical thinking skills:

My score on the test exceeded 47% of a sample of graduates.

I'm so close to the peak!

Oh well.

In situations like these, where my potential is measured by numerical, my head started protesting, "I have great personality and a heart of gold!".

But then again, business is business. And, as a senior very kindly said, "When it comes to job applications, you could never have guessed how it's gonna turn out. If they like you, you're hired. If they don't, it's their lost".

Ah, such are the comforting words I like to bubble wrap myself with.

Two steps forward, one step back

It's been 3 week since I'd stopped working for my previous employer. As much as I would like to admit that I've moved on, the truth is, there's still remnant of memories lingering in my consciousness. Often, my emotional state fluctuates from anger of unfair treatments, to disappointment of losing a job and to  the desperation of a proper closure.

Deep down, I know that I am at a better place right now. I should probably have gotten out of the company sooner. But, I couldn't helped but to feel that I have let myself down because I couldn't even keep my first job for longer than 1 year.

Looking back just a few posts ago, I was raving about how excited I was to be able to wake up  and go to work every morning. Yes, I love working. I love contributing to the wider organisation, community and even the economy. I don't complain about having to go to work because I know that I am working towards my goals in the future. I have always been a big-picture thinking person who thinks long-term. I believe that if I work hard and have a strong mentality, I would be successful.

However, I was hit by the reality that my direct manager does not possess the same kind of mindset as I do. I soon realised that he's the exact opposite of what I believe in. Worse still, he tried to change me as he's adamant about making me his shadow. I was told that I need to think like he does and learn to anticipate his needs. If I don't, I'm not doing my job.

In hindsight, it was an unhealthy environment to work in. The documents were unorganised and the protocols were outdated, or in many cases, non-existent. But me being the positive me, I see that as a challenge. So, I tried to change the way I work by working faster and doing more everyday. I was constantly suggesting ways to improve the operations & reporting systems that could make the employees more efficient and less error-prone. I created documents to help increase transparency and ease internal/external communication. I made sure there's consistency across all the marketing and branding materials. I went above and beyond to ensure that customers are satisfied with the services. Everything I did and every choice I made, stemmed from my intention of making the company better.

Guess what, not only was my effort not valued (let alone rewarded. pfft), I was accused in many occasions that I lied about the work I had completed, that I stole company's properties & customer databases, that I breached company rules such as logging into systems using my own devices. I was accused and blamed for delays in submission while I was the one pushing other people to do their part after I'd finished mine. The exact feedback I received from my employer was that, they could not afford to let me waste my time at the office. And if I don't do anything about changing my behaviour, they would find someone else to take over.

I try not to sound like a victim but I was miserable and I was extremely upset because my character was called into question. I knew from the beginning that I have a strong moral compass and my family had brought me up to be a good person. I would not lie, cheat, steal and take things that are not rightfully mine. I told myself that I deserve better and no one else in the world should go through what I had to put up with.

At one point, I thought I was going crazy because I started apologising to myself for making me go through the humiliations and shaming. Still, I told myself not to give up. What people say about me is simply a reflection of themselves. I have to learn to not take things personally.

I prayed for a way out. I prayed for situation to change for the better. I prayed for answer and clarity.

Finally, on the day I called in sick, I received an email from my former employer saying that I didn't have to go back ever since. Effective immediately, I was no longer a part of such dysfunctional work environment. I was released from hell but I still haven't received my outstanding wages and entitlements (which is something I still could not get over).

12 months ago, I was so determined about getting a job after graduation. Within 1 year, I had gone from being a fresh grad filled with hopes and aspirations, to a depressed unemployed for 3 months, then to an enthuasistic employee wanting to lead positive changes in a company and now I am back at being an unemployed, again.

Having to go through such traumatic experience at the very start of  my career really got me thinking about what I truly want out of my job and my life.

From a positive point of view, I'm back to where I started, but this time, with more tenacity and courage as well as more experience under my belt.

As my dad very wisely put, "girl, this (losing a job) is a blessing. I am sure something meaningful will come out of it. Don't lose hope and keep going after what you want to do".

Most importantly, I am forever grateful that my family and friends are supportive. It is in horrible incidents like these that you know who will be there to bring you up.

Sunday Reads: Oprah.com

As people around me would know, I'm a big follower of Oprah Winfrey. I believe in her values and principles. I admire her grand vision for "Good Television" as she uses TV as a platform to do good and spread positive messages. Disregarding all the skeptics and ignorant remarks made about her as a person or as a business mogul, I respect her for doing what she preaches.

One way to show my devotion to her is I often spend my Sunday morning going through pieces in Oprah.com. I especially love the website partly because the contents align with my interests and feed my spiritual curiosity. There are a whole range of journalistic articles written by published authors backed by decades of life and writing experiences. I find their stories remarkably authentic and real (or maybe because I'm generally gullible). Then, there are more academic articles written psychologists or doctors backed by years of research and study. They have credibility and more often than not, they give me a lot to reflect and think about.

Today, I read a piece called "7 Places Where Our Pain Hides" and it definitely hit some nerves of mine.

The following excerpt brought tears to my eyes:

"Sometimes, I'm driving along in my car and a song from my high-school years comes on the radio: Springsteen's "Thunder Road." Just the opening few chords make me want to roll down the window and let the wind blow back my hair. It makes me able to touch my 16-year-old self, and with that collapsing of time also comes an exquisite feeling—piercing, bittersweet. I want to reach back to that girl and give her a hug. She was so clueless. She was in for a world of heartache. I am powerless to change the sorrows she went through; but still, my midlife self wants to fix her. To make it better. In that gulf between who I was then, and who I became, there is a deep and mature ache. "You have to go through all this," I want to tell her. "So that you can grow up and live a life full of wonder." All of those feelings ride the crest of Springsteen's lyrics." 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Where-Our-Pain-Hides#ixzz2iE8wfmb6

I could relate to the author on so many levels.

Yes. I know I had been stupid and clueless.

Yes. I know I had made mistakes and I've failed.

Yes. I had been hurt and I had felt pain. Then, I swept the pain under the carpet, unwilling to talk about or share. And went on to channel my guilt, despair, anger in other means.

Yes. I had punished myself for my own wrongdoings, instead of being kind and forgiving.

And looking back, I really want to hug my younger self and tell her that, "You're doing the best that you could at that time and in that given circumstance". I may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and I shouldn't berate myself for old mistakes.

Yes, there's nothing more I can do about what had happened in the past.

Most importantly, I am made aware that I  have to go through all the heartaches. I have to make mistakes and fail so I  can grow up and live a life full of wonder.

I just want to remind myself that, it's okay to not know better. It's okay be upset and feel the disappointment. It's perfectly fine to make the wrong call and stumble. Because behind every mistake, there's always a lesson.

What I want for myself is, I'm learning to be more forgiving of myself and others. I'm learning to appreciate every mistake that I make so I can be better, tougher and stronger.

Let's cheers to an end of another week, move on from this week's highs and lows and get ready for another new start tomorrow!

Sunday Read

"Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives." - Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

Of all the wise sayings in the book, the quote above is the one that stood out the most to me.

Mainly because, I was one of the children who moved away from my parents. But very fortunately, I didn't have to wait til my skin sags and the heart weakens to know that, my story sits atop the stories of my parents and their stories sit atop of my grandparents. I'm where I am today, because of them and the generations before me.

At the tender age of 17, I moved away from home. I came to this foreign land of Melbourne, not knowing anyone or anything. I still remember the days leading to my departure, I was naively dreaming about the freedom and the fun I was going to have. On the other hand, my parents were running around frantically, making sure that they had done everything within their power to get me ready for a life abroad. They were asking around to see if any of their friends have friends and relatives living in Melbourne, who would lend a helping hand.

Before I came, I was handed a list of names, of people who's residing in Melbourne. They were friends of friends, friends of my aunts/uncles, sons/daughters of my dad's friends. They were all strangers to me. Yet, I was told that, I should give these people a call, if I ever needed help. I was urged to meet up with them so they could show me around in Melbourne, giving me a head start.

Boy, my faith in humanity was put to the test. And luckily, these people did not disappoint. Many went above and beyond to help me settle in, despite the fact that we didn't know each other before hand.

That was how my life started in Melbourne, and the rest just seemed to unfold from then on.

It's been 8 years since the first day I moved away. Looking back, I didn't realise how fast the years had gone by and how many things had happened over the years.

I guess, at that time, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. It didn't occur to me that it's a bold move to move thousands of miles across the globe by myself. It's just something I'd always wanted to do ever since I was 15 and when the opportunity came, I just did it.

When I told people about my story, those who're still living with their parents would look at me, with awe and maybe a tad of envy. I suspect, it's because I'm living their dreams.

But for me, it's a dream that my 15 year old self envisioned. A dream that no longer fits with what I want at the age of 25.

Now that I'm 25, I know for sure that I want to move back.

Well, I don't mean to physically move back to Malaysia.

I just want my parents to be big part of my story.

Simply because, I don't want them to miss out on the best years of my adult life.

Follow Your Bliss.

I turned 25 today!

I bought myself red velvet cupcake to stuff my birthday face with.

The insight I gained from my birthday is that, I have lived on this planet earth and navigated my way through life successfully for 25 years (9125 days)!

The most important thing being, I'm still here, breathing... with all my limbs intact, five senses working perfectly. On top of that, when I look around,  I can see these amazing people around whom I can share joy, sadness, disappointments, happiness, and love with. How awesome is that?

I feel so blessed, really.

It brings tears to my eyes.

So the two simple words that I can't say enough of, on this special day are: "Thank You"

Upon reflection, I think this year has been phenomenal and special, mainly because I am able to achieve what I set out to do for myself, within the timeframe. Then, I have learnt to recognise the value of things and people around me. I have come to acknowledge that, if it weren't for these people, I would not have been able to come this far on this chosen path.

Sometimes I wonder, what have I done to deserve such good things in life?

But, my message to the world is, everyone deserves the best. And as long as you know what you want out of life and willing to work hard for it, you will get it eventually.

We are in this together.