It's been 3 week since I'd stopped working for my previous employer. As much as I would like to admit that I've moved on, the truth is, there's still remnant of memories lingering in my consciousness. Often, my emotional state fluctuates from anger of unfair treatments, to disappointment of losing a job and to the desperation of a proper closure.
Deep down, I know that I am at a better place right now. I should probably have gotten out of the company sooner. But, I couldn't helped but to feel that I have let myself down because I couldn't even keep my first job for longer than 1 year.
Looking back just a few posts ago, I was raving about how excited I was to be able to wake up and go to work every morning. Yes, I love working. I love contributing to the wider organisation, community and even the economy. I don't complain about having to go to work because I know that I am working towards my goals in the future. I have always been a big-picture thinking person who thinks long-term. I believe that if I work hard and have a strong mentality, I would be successful.
However, I was hit by the reality that my direct manager does not possess the same kind of mindset as I do. I soon realised that he's the exact opposite of what I believe in. Worse still, he tried to change me as he's adamant about making me his shadow. I was told that I need to think like he does and learn to anticipate his needs. If I don't, I'm not doing my job.
In hindsight, it was an unhealthy environment to work in. The documents were unorganised and the protocols were outdated, or in many cases, non-existent. But me being the positive me, I see that as a challenge. So, I tried to change the way I work by working faster and doing more everyday. I was constantly suggesting ways to improve the operations & reporting systems that could make the employees more efficient and less error-prone. I created documents to help increase transparency and ease internal/external communication. I made sure there's consistency across all the marketing and branding materials. I went above and beyond to ensure that customers are satisfied with the services. Everything I did and every choice I made, stemmed from my intention of making the company better.
Guess what, not only was my effort not valued (let alone rewarded. pfft), I was accused in many occasions that I lied about the work I had completed, that I stole company's properties & customer databases, that I breached company rules such as logging into systems using my own devices. I was accused and blamed for delays in submission while I was the one pushing other people to do their part after I'd finished mine. The exact feedback I received from my employer was that, they could not afford to let me waste my time at the office. And if I don't do anything about changing my behaviour, they would find someone else to take over.
I try not to sound like a victim but I was miserable and I was extremely upset because my character was called into question. I knew from the beginning that I have a strong moral compass and my family had brought me up to be a good person. I would not lie, cheat, steal and take things that are not rightfully mine. I told myself that I deserve better and no one else in the world should go through what I had to put up with.
At one point, I thought I was going crazy because I started apologising to myself for making me go through the humiliations and shaming. Still, I told myself not to give up. What people say about me is simply a reflection of themselves. I have to learn to not take things personally.
I prayed for a way out. I prayed for situation to change for the better. I prayed for answer and clarity.
Finally, on the day I called in sick, I received an email from my former employer saying that I didn't have to go back ever since. Effective immediately, I was no longer a part of such dysfunctional work environment. I was released from hell but I still haven't received my outstanding wages and entitlements (which is something I still could not get over).
12 months ago, I was so determined about getting a job after graduation. Within 1 year, I had gone from being a fresh grad filled with hopes and aspirations, to a depressed unemployed for 3 months, then to an enthuasistic employee wanting to lead positive changes in a company and now I am back at being an unemployed, again.
Having to go through such traumatic experience at the very start of my career really got me thinking about what I truly want out of my job and my life.
From a positive point of view, I'm back to where I started, but this time, with more tenacity and courage as well as more experience under my belt.
As my dad very wisely put, "girl, this (losing a job) is a blessing. I am sure something meaningful will come out of it. Don't lose hope and keep going after what you want to do".
Most importantly, I am forever grateful that my family and friends are supportive. It is in horrible incidents like these that you know who will be there to bring you up.
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